This is the playfulness of Annika. The same day we took the picture we had a leak in the bathroom, that is back in the picture, which flooded parts of our house. We decided to have fun anyway.
Annika passed away September 13, 2018. We got 15 years together.
Roby, our son, on the picture playing on the guitar to he’s PlayStation and wearing a wig, came to us at the age of 5.
The second picture is Roby on the day of Annikas funeral. Roby is 13 years old. He is smiling because he wanted to wear a tie for several years. But look in he’s eyes. You can tell he miss he’s mom.
A few days after Annika’s death something MAGICAL happened. I got a gift. The gift of feeling my heart. It was pain and it does not sound that magical, but it is. It was life changing. The pain in my heart came from being with Annika at the hospital day and night during summer and autumn of 2018, trying to help saving her life.
The week after Annikas passing I had my first meeting with my doctor and after several different investigations including a cat scan I learned that I have a heart condition called “Aortic dilatation in combination with bicuspid aortic valve” – in my case meaning that my aorta can break at any moment.
Suddenly I was no longer who I used to be. I was someone that perhaps would no longer make it until tomorrow. But in reality, there was no change. It was just me being aware of my own mortality in a different way than before.
The doctors can reinforce my aorta, but then they need to fix my heart at the same time, and if they fix my heart and the surgery is successful, I will be on medications for rest of my life that will limit my life quality – and there is also an expected lifetime where the heart fail about 6-15 years after surgery. With some simple math, this means that if the surgery goes well, I could potentially reach my fifties. This is perhaps not too bad.
I made a choice. I will wait with surgery for now. I love my life and I want to live it fully.
I have decided to heal myself. And so far, it has turned out to be the best decision of my life.
I’m healing my body. I’m healing my spirit.
It’s not easy. But in a way it is. Because when we learn to communicate with our hearts, then it is obvious that living with love is the only way to live.
I have built my life based on dedication. I have built it on faith. I have built my life partly the way I have done because I have chosen to believe in the blessings that has been given to me. And now it is time to fully believe. Others are welcome to join me. I am dedicated to the healing of myself.
And in the process, I have learned that I am also dedicated to the healing of all the hearts that does not have someone else speaking for them.
The pain in my heart did not come from the heart condition tough. The doctors believed it was stress related only and that it should go away. But it did not. I still feel my heart.
When I don’t live according to my highest standards, I get instant pain.
This happens when I’m filled with anger, when I’m stressed or when I don’t tell the truth, meaning I cannot longer hide my feelings.
Anger feels like getting stabbed. Sorrow or stress or not speaking the truth of my feelings feels like piling off a scab from some huge unhealed burn.
I can no longer hide from myself and I cannot live as I used to. Or.. I still do sometimes based on old habits and fear that I have not yet released, but then my heart reminds me. Life has chosen to direct me into being a better version of me. And when I am not, my heart lets me know.
It is booth the strangest thing that has happened to me and a blessing meant to save my life. If I never had this pain, I would never checked myself. And I would probably never felt my life purpose as I do now. I would have ended up dead without appreciating life and without being able to tell my story.
Instead of just living my life in a linear mindset, I am now learning to breath my life with consciousness.
I believe all of our hearts speak to us, and I believe most of us just are not aware, as we don’t know how to listen. OR we choose not to.
I tell you my story to share my light. To provide hope. And to let you know that we all should learn to know our hearts.
I have an every-day routine that I have now done since Annika’s passing. I speak to my heart and I fill it with light.
As a result, have fallen in love with me.
I am now in the best physical condition I have ever been. Ever! I have no longer any joint pain. My back pain is gone. My restless legs are no longer restless. My mind feels upgraded. I’m suddenly alive. I see colors differently. I connect my thoughts in a way I have never before experienced.
It is the result of being aware. It is the result of getting enough sleep. It is the result of eating better and no longer drinking alcohol. It’s the result of routines. Working out, daily reading and meditation. It is the result of expressing myself through music, writing, art… It’s the result of appreciating NOW by doing nothing. It’s the result of appreciating all beautiful gifts that I have been blessed with as a human being.
I know this all probably sounds like I’ve lost it. And I probably have. I think I lost the old me during the process. Or, maybe it is fairer to think about me finding parts of me that I did not know existed. It is the result of my soul becoming connected. I can feel it.
I am grateful.
I’m now aware of the power choosing energy that makes you grow and expand. That make you think and believe in beautiful thoughts.
I’m now aware of that failing is just a word. I know this before, but I never really felt it in my body. Now I do. I’m learning to be not too hard on myself. I realize that I’m still a human in flesh and blood. We all are. And every day I ask to be a better, more connected version of myself.
I am also more aware of creating boundaries with love to ensure that I limit negative energy entering my space. From TV. From radio. From Internet. From others. From my own ego trying to remind me of old me. Not that I am so much different now. But I have learned that I am actually worth loving myself. Which is a huge difference.
And I am grateful. I am grateful for everyday that I live. I am grateful for every day that I can be a better version of myself. I am grateful for every single day where I can contribute to the happiness of others. To make people think twice.
Life if a gift.
Accept. Release. Inhale. Exhale. And Enjoy. With Love.
Much love to you all. Take care of each other.